My Flesh And My Heart May Fail, But You Are My Strength And My PortionForever.

O' Death where is your sting? O' Hell where is your victory?

Awkward...I'm purchased and redeemed; however, every now and then, I choose to allow myself to feel the residual sting of death. Why? Well, I'm human, I'm not gonna lie. I have the appropriate amount of chromosomes for a human. And yet, I still find myself living and leaning towards my own abilities and placing so much trust in them. 

Real talk: I've been hitting a rough patch lately. But I'm done with it. Is it possible to will myself out of a low valley? Is it possible to bring myself to a state where I default to the glory and power of the resurrection of the Risen King? I don't think I can do anything outside of choosing Jesus. Perhaps, it's the sovereignty of God that gives me my portion. Perhaps, merely choosing to accept my portion and rest and be content in the provision from the Kingdom of Heaven, brings the side effects of peace and grace and mercy.

Whatever my lot, it must be well with my soul. I know where we're going, it's the getting there that freaks me out. 

Be Thou my vision O Lord of my heart Naught be all else to me Save that Thou art Thou my best thought By day or by night Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light

For the past months I have been praying to G-d for vision. For specific vision. For direction in reconciling differences I may have with my existing theology. All of these things have been very intentional on my part. I want to be open with G-d about the issue just because if my wife and I want to pursue ministerial work, than we must reconcile differences we have with what He is calling us to. As of now it's battling self confidence and lack of bandwidth.  I'm having to shout to myself that He is God, LORD over all. Remind myself of how good the God is. Despite being spread thin, taxed, and without rest, God is good to me and Katie. Despite these rough patches. I will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for God has been my help.

All of this to say, I have allowed myself to be bogged down by bandwidth tasks, I can't allow that to happen. I know that it's easier said than done, but, what else is there to do? Press on.

Rewards. Rewards. Rewards.

     I took a personality test once administered by my lovely wife. When I was done taking this test, it gave Biblical leaders that, based on their accounts in the Bible, had the same personality traits I do. Abram/Abraham was my guy. The first thing that came to my mind, "Oh man, the guy that sold out his wife to the pharaoh.... what guy..... why couldn't I get like, Jesus or something?" 

     

     My curiosity eventually made me eat my own words. I decided a year ago to go a 12 week study on Genesis. Thanks to my wonderful go-getter attitude, a year later, I'm on week 5. Well needless to say it's impossible to study Genesis, the beginning of HaShem's relationship with Creation, without studying the microcosmic story of Abraham. Here's what I have gathered about my kindred leader:

     He's not perfect, neither am I.

     Despite HaShem bestowing glory on Abram by blessing his offspring. Abram was wrought with faithlessness. I know that faithlessness isn't something I should play up, but stick with me. I quickly learned of Abram's short comings. not just his dealings with spiritual pollution in Egypt, but how he raised himself up out of his insufficiencies and reaffirmed his relationship and faith in HaShem and his promises. 

     How can I model this?

     Abram, after he was done in Egypt, did something. He left Egypt, a spiritually dark time for him. It effected his relationship with G-d, even when G-d intervened and brought plagues on Egypt and restored Sarai to Abram, despite Abram not relying on HaShem's protection. Abram then left Egypt he made his way to the Negeb, to the altar that he built for the LORD, and then invoked the name of HaShem, then moved to Bethel, a place that was higher physically than Egypt and more fruitful than the Negeb. Despite dropping the ball, which is something I can get good at, Abram didn't trek on from that failure, he moved back to the last place G-d spoke to him, then spiritually reconfirmed himself. After having restored himself, He moved to Bethel, a better place to be. 

      Abram, didn't take the mistake and built off the mistake, he instead removed it, and built off the firmness of the LORD and moved forward. 

     Abram clung to the promise of G-d.

     Even in Abram's faithlessness (the questioning of the fulfillment of the Covenant) He still clung to the promise given to him. Abram, in the midst of waiting for the fulfillment of the covenant began to lose his way. HaShem, responds by reminding Abram of His aid and involvement. 

     Abram had prepared an offering, which in this culture, was used during the confirmation of a covenant. You would pass between the split carcasses meaning that if you broke this covenant you would be split apart as consequence. Abram noticed that a burning pot of smoke and burning torch passed between the carcasses. Suggesting that G-d was ratifying the covenant. To reaffirm Abram's faith.

What I should remember:

"G-d's blessing and promise do not flow out of Abram's obedience; but rather, Abram's faith and obedience are a response to G-d's lavish promises." 

Goodness and Grace are never the reward for belief, but my faith should always be the response to the flow of Grace and Goodness.

Leadership and Responsibility are not given to me because I deserve them, instead they should be the response to example that has been laid out for me. I should take up my position (no matter where or what that is) not because it is what is owed to me (which it isn't) it should be because G-d has called me to, and has allowed me to do so. Leadership is a response, not a reward. Our Faith in the promise of Christ should not be to receive life instead our belief and faith should be the response to the offer of salvation. I don't want to love because I get a reward, I want to love because I am loved first. I don't want to work to get a paycheck, I want to work because it's my duty.

Genesis 11-16

Where does my desire end, and Christ begin.

Matthew 5 says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven." Who are the poor in spirit? I'm poor, I know that. I know that my wallet doesn't have a lot of monies. But, how can I allow this beatitude to become who I am?


There's two sides to this question:
     The Bible tells me that if I belong to Christ, then my sinful nature has already been crucified, and therefore should be dead; however, in practice I find that I still struggle between myself and the will of God. Knowing what to do, but not always doing. Grace is evident in my life. I may not be a drug dealer or a rapist or a tax collector, but I know that grace is just as necessary for my life as it is for everyone else. I know that I am being refined; and, knowing that, my mind wants me to be refined and done. So I can go one living a redeemed life, one where I'm saved and that's that. I know that the opposite is true. I'll never be done with refinement. I'll never be ready to take hold of what God has called me to, unless I am given it, by the Great Giver. So why would the Word of God tell me that I am free from the chains of sin. Well, with all the Metaphysical knowledge that I have been gifted with, I can only come to the conclusion that I am not ready to fully understand the process of salvation. I know that I can only know that even though the consequence of sin can be taken and paid for, the struggle between sin and my flesh's ability to fall to temptation still exists. Which makes sense.

Hard work pays off, for a little while.
     What am I working for? Am I working for the ability to show and say all that I have accomplished? I am I working for my resumé? To be able to show a potential employer that I can do some things and then learn to do more things? God tore down the Tower of Babel, which is an account of humanity seeking self accomplishment and glory, and scattered the whole of the human race. However, when YHWH spoke with Abram and established a covenant with him to make Abram a great nation, to bring Abram glory. How can I find that balance between, my own glory and blessing from the LORD? Should my hard work supplement my provision from G-d? Is becoming poor in spirit separate from becoming reliant on God for everything else? Should I only be poor in spirit then work for everything else, because G-d will provide the Kingdom of Heaven for me; however, right now, while I breathe, I should be playing by the rules of the world?

For serious now.
     The Beatitudes (Matthew Chapter 5:1-12) are still radical, even 2000 years later. The goal of a 21st century follower of Christ is to live by Biblical, not modern standards. Being poor in spirit isn't being helpless. Being poor in spirit isn't compartmentalizing my spiritual life and the rest of my life. It's 100% being 100% dependent on provision from G-d. I believe we as Christians are caught in a tumultuous social struggle. Between what is expected of us as citizens of the modern, tax-paying, logical world and what is expected of us as followers of Christ. I also believe that we should be caught between those two things. We should fall under one category. Living differently so that others will see and take notice, not by wearing christian t-shirts or carrying the Bible everywhere we go, or with a bumper sticker on our car. Our total dependence on the Grace of Christ should be our distinguishing trait. We should be living our lives, and knowing that all that we have is given by Kingdom Authority. All that we receive is possible because God, the Father created this place. We breathe and are delivered because of God, the Father's love. We owe all that is existence to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I will always worry about making bills, I will always worry if I'm going to have a heart attack and die, and what would happen to my family (which consists only of my lovely wife and dog.) but I understand that all of creation moves because it is moved to do so.

It will be ok. If I am poor and destitute, I will praise G-d for I will be rescued and healed. Isaiah brings these promises. They are fulfilled with Jesus in the Gospels and will be fulfilled by the second coming of Christ.

I want to experience the healing and safety of the arms of God.

"I'll not be satisfiedtill my hopes and my eyesboth align on that view
there leaving longing behindI'll discard my desirewhen I'm resting in you."

If only I can experience rest. true rest.

Where do I go from here?

     During our Good Friday service we were given the chance, as a visual illustration, to write what separates us from the Love and Power of God onto a piece of cloth that represents the veil. 

     I wrote two words on my piece of cloth, “inadequacy” and “qualifications.” I wrote them on the veil and tore that little piece of red cloth and set it in the offering basket at a broken offering to my God, to consume and remove from me.

     When I wrote those words, I very much expected to be in conflict with them. Giving your Humanity and what separates you from God a name, tends to create conflict in your spirit in order to remove those barriers from your life. I don’t find myself in conflict with pride, lust, or gluttony and sometimes I do wish I was. However, my separation from God, and everything else for that matter, is inadequacy, and ineligibility to do God’s work. To minister to students, to live a life with my wife. What kills me is my inadequacy. Whether it’s at work and not having proper credentials, or ministry and not having experience. 

     God created me with Himself in mind. When God began Creation, it was incomplete. In need of the perfection to complete it, to make it good. So God set in motion the series of events that will eventually lead to the reunification of Creation to Himself, through Jesus Christ. I understand that I am incomplete and in need of perfection to intervene in my life. That in all my “goodness," I can never be deserving of a life with God.

     This paltriness leaches itself into other parts of my life. I find myself at odds with...myself. I never graduated from “real” college. I don’t have pieces of paper that signify myself as someone “qualified” to perform ministry and the acts that are associated with it. Sometimes when it comes to fighting for what I believe in, in order to see the Kingdom of God established on the Earth. As a young man in the body of Christ, I know that I will have to face adversary through out my stint in leadership within the Church. However, one tool designed to save me, instead sometimes cripples me to the point of laying down. 

     Moses had his speech problem, Jacob had his past to contend with, Paul had Saul the list goes on, I have my lack of credentials (human papers). Through all of this I understand and have to know, that in order for the world to come back into alignment with God, there needs to be conflict. There has to be someone who is “not qualified” to step up and have tough conversations, take leadership and lead individuals towards Christ. 

     My name is Ryan Hansen, I am called to the Ministry of Jesus Christ, in order to spread, show and give the Love that has so redeemed me. Whether I am afflicted in ever way, perplexed, persecuted, or struck down. I will gird my loins and carry on. Pray for me and my wife, I’m getting back on that horse. 

• Inadequacy
• Qualifications

"If what we call love doesn't take us beyond ourselves, it is not really love." Oswald Chambers

     Last week, in the Ukraine, a deal was reached that is pushing to end a protest that has lasted a month with which has been a demonstration of democracy in the world. Currently in Venezuela there is a student led, nationwide, protest of the government, protesting the Government and it's treatment of violence in the Country. These are just two of the most recent examples of a Government and it's people. We have established governments in order to organize, protect and provide for their people groups.

     But how why do a lot of these governments continue to fall short of their intended purpose? Revolution after revolution have been intended to rebel against a government that can't properly represent all or some of it's people groups. I recently watched a Video where Venezuelan youth are praying for their country and for their leaders. Praying for peace and goodness. This isn't an anti-government post. It's a post about the very thing that makes us Human and not God. Our brokenness.

     When you build a car with broken parts, you end up with a broken car. It's inevitable, when you form a Government run by people, with all their greed, insecurity, hate, malice, selfishness etc... that Government will inherit those traits.

     I don't believe that we are perfect, and I don't believe that I need to present evidence in order to back up that statement. The Word states that all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. In order to attain an eternal life with God, we must adhere to the Creator's standards. What role does or should the Church play in these revolutions and protests against government?

     Our God calls us to pray for our leaders (1 Thessalonians 2:1-3) it's a good thing to do that, even if we don't like them or their practices. There are leaders in Government who's hearts are in the right place and are choosing to chase after the betterment of their constituency every day; however, as is oft the case, the demons will continue to shout down the better angels in government.

     When Jesus comes back, His government will be established, the odd thing is that I don't see government as a positive term, it carries a negative connotation. The problem is that I don't have any experience with a government that is of pure heart, pure execution of it's morals and it's mission.

     I invite you to pray with me, for the coming of Jesus and establishment his government on earth. To bring comfort and healing, to bring an end to the conflicts between brothers in this world. To pray for the governments in place in the world, for wise decisions,  I don't believe this is as much of a political issue as it is a spiritual issue. This isn't a belittling of the actions of brave young people who are taking a part in their government and enforcing the rights given to them by their constitutions. Those are brave people who are willing to stand up, declare injustice, then DO SOMETHING about it. I just wish the Church had the same philosophy sometimes when it comes to the issue of Sin in the world. That we as a church would stand, declare something injustice, then LIVE OUT our lives the way Jesus calls us to.

"Acquire a peaceful spirit, and around you thousands will be saved." St. Seraphim of Sarov

I will choose to let my First Love influence my Marriage.

So I'm roughly 30 days out of getting married to my best friend. Food for thought:

Does my families marital history have to be reproduced in my marriage?

I don't think I could conduct my marriage to the principles of American or World Societal standards. I pledge to love my wife with the most fervor I can muster. To love and lead her as close to Christ as I am able. My love for my wife will not be conditional. It will not depend on her win-loss record. Such is the love of Christ; unconditional, all encompassing, unsurpassed, unequal to any love that could be displayed. I will love my wife, deeper and better than anything else. 

Marriage is a unique institution where we as individuals give up what makes us unique and live as a group for the rest of our lives. it's holy, it's sacred, it's strong. Just because I have a family past with divorce does not mean that they are my standard. I have been pursued, I have been redeemed and freed. All by grace. By a fully encompassing grace. As a young man saved by Jesus, I choose to live my life like Jesus. I choose to give up my selfish wants and desires and choose to moderate my spirit. I am not perfect, I will always endeavor to choose Christ and pureness over, self love. I will choose to let my First Love influence my Marriage.

"God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love."

CS Lewis